Joe Knows I Am....

I was eating lunch at Wahoo's on South Congress in Austin 
when I had to step outside so I could hear and take a call from Paige.
I sat down in an Adirondack chair next to a man 
with no shoes, a stack of children's books in his lap
and a small worn photo book.

You know me...
Little Miss Curious...
I had to meet him.

Hi, I am Gina.

I am Joe.

You like children's books?

I sell them.
People on the streets like to buy them from me.
I like this book right here.
You can put your family pictures in it.

Do you have a family?

I did.

Joe, are you homeless?

I am.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.
I live down there with some friends.
It's my home.
I had a nice life.
Life brought me here.

I teach school to some children who live in nice houses.
I have a brother with the most amazing house I've ever seen.
I lived in a really nice house before I divorced.
...You know what Joe?
I've realized that you can have a house and still be homeless.

He agreed.
I asked him if he knew God.
He said yes.
I asked him what he knew about God.
He said,
God is I Am.
That's all I need to know.
He is I Am.

I really wanted to hear more about his story,
his life, his understanding of God.

I had to wonder what events in his life
brought him to describe God as such.
He didn't go into detail.
He didn't give me any theological references.
He didn't supply any anecdotes,
theories or personal experiences...
no religious upbringing to support his claim...
Just a simple,
He is I Am.

What has been his journey?
What path led him to the streets of Austin...
without a job, house or family....?

The idea that I might fail and lose everything
has tried to 
tease
taunt 
and haunt me.
I fathom the possibility of
homelessness
nothingness
embarrassment
and shame....

But my mind goes back to Joe and his words...
He is I Am.
And he spoke it with such certainty.

I never really thought about or
understood exactly the meaning of 
I Am....
Sounded like something was missing...

The only thing missing was my ability
to allow God to be my Everything.

When possessions
and relationships
are lost,
you find peace in
God being enough...
or maybe some of us have to
be left with little or nothing to make room for Him.

I don't know...
but I know Joe Knows I Am...
and I am 100% certain that
I will meet Joe again one day...
and that small photo book will not
be large enough to contain all the
pictures of our new family...

I am...
 smiling.
~gina

I trust you

There was a familiar game we played growing up called Trust.
The idea was to stand with your back facing someone,
arms to your side or crossed over your chest,
eyes closed,
falling freely backwards...
trusting the person to catch you before you hit the ground.

Are you going to catch me?
Yes.
You promise?
I promise.
You better catch me.
I will catch you.
here I go...

After the person caught you
there was an unspoken bond in place.
You were going to fall.
They said they would catch you.
They did....
and you were safe.
Word was kept.
Trust was established.

It's not any different today.
We may be adults.
but we want to surround ourselves,
and fall into the arms of
the ones we trust the most.

Trust broken will destroy a relationship.
I've been on both sides...
and neither place is a place I care 
to ever revisit.

Relationships are such an emotional brew...
Love, Attraction, Surrender, Pain, Forgiveness,
Healing, Highs, Lows, Apathy, Compassion,
Rejection, Redirection,
Understanding, Confusion, Illusions,
and Complete Exhaustion!

It's a wonder why we want to be in one..
but we do.
God made us that way.
We are meant to be together.

But first we have to trust.

I refuse to waste someone's time
if I cannot give them my trust.
And I would expect the same from them.
Love may conquer all...
but trust will show up for battle.
Love wins.
Trust says I'll be around to win more.
Love feels good.
Trust allows you to feel it.

We fall in and out of Love...
but much like the game...
maybe we should fall into Trust.

I'm moving forwards..
but one day I will fall backwards...
knowing I've found someone to catch me...
that will be a sweet release...
~gina

I'm so glad I asked...

So this book...People I Met While Searching For Myself...
The one I said I was writing...
Well...this is where it all began.

I'm in the doctor's office almost 4 years ago.
I'm there because I think I have a stomach ulcer.
I keep losing weight and I hurt all the time.
I look around the room and I am at least 3 decades younger than anyone else present.
I think to myself,
I am too young to be dealing with this stuff...

Directly across from me sits the most adorable couple I've ever seen.
She was giggling
And he was to blame.
They were not using their inside voices...
and they didn't care.
They were so absorbed in each other...
in their own world..
nothing and no one else mattered.

She had on a white sequined beret, red dress and big smile.
He had on denim overalls, plaid shirt and ball cap.
I could not take my eyes off of them.

If they weren't married,
they were the best of friends...

I soon found out they were both.

They were called back before me and finished before I was called back.

They left the office and exited
into the hall...
what came over me,
I don't know,
but I went after them.

Excuse me,
can I ask you a question?

They said yes.

I need to know why you're so happy.
I need to know what you know.
I just divorced and I'm scared.
What if  I'm in a doctor's office 40 years from now
and no one is there with me.
I want to get it right this time.
Please help me.
Tell me your story.

Bless their hearts.
They were probably thinking I need a psychiatrist instead of an internist.

They were so gracious.
I took their name and number and they said
I could call anytime and they would tell me their story.

Weeks past and  I could not stop thinking about
Mr. and Mrs. Cole.
Earline and Nathaniel.

I finally decided to call and got an invitation to their home.
I asked her why she would let a complete stranger into her home,
and she said,
"I know you're okay. I just know."

I wrote out some questions, grabbed my laptop and headed to Midland.
I drove up to the sweetest house and Miss Earline was standing at the door with
that big beautiful smile ready to greet me.

Mr. Cole was napping,
otherwise known as "reluctant".

She talked...
and talked...
and I listened....
and listened...

We still talk regularly.
I call and know to give her plenty of time to get to the phone.
Mr. Cole has warmed up to me...
he even gave me the secret to his delicious cornbread recipe.
They love me..
and I love them back.
They remind me to trust Jesus and
they pray for me and my girls.

There is so much more to the story,
but I will save it for the book.
It's worth reading....
and The Coles are worth knowing.


Their story was more than I ever expected and
I was so glad I asked.
A story that broke my heart and mended my soul at the same time.
I am in love.
With them.
with their story,
with life.

~gina

Pride, Prejudice & Probation

When girls watch love stories, chick flicks, boy meets girl cinema,
we hold out for the scene where everyone
finds true love...
we do.
Guilty.
We just want everyone to be happy...
In love.
We love love.
It's a girl thing.

Yesterday Paige introduced me to Pride & Prejudice.
I know...
You've probably all read or watched it by now and
I'm late to the party,
but actually the timing was perfect.
Just perfect.

I've been praying for the man that
will get the privilege to be a part of my life, and the life of my girls.
Yes, I said privilege.
I'm not just any girl.
And I don't have just any daughters.
I won't settle.
And they won't let me.

When I pray I try and picture God.
I like to imagine myself sitting beside Him.
He's not in a hurry.
I don't feel as if I'm wasting His precious time.
I can imagine Him shaking His head and smiling at some of the things I say.
I am severely honest when we talk.
I mean, seriously...
what's there to hide.
I talk about my relationships.
Those I've had, and those I imagine in my future.

In the movie, Donald Sutherland plays Mr. Bennett, the daddy to 5 daughters.
He is attentive, kind, and seemingly unfazed by all the estrogen,
drama and complexities of raising girls.

When Mr. Bennett hears of Elizabeth's desire to marry Mr. Darcy he first asks if this is truly what she wants.
Once she convinces him that she not only likes Mr. Darcy, but loves him,
tears come to her precious father's eyes and he says:

"I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, to anyone less worthy."

Wow.
And then at that moment, as I was soaking in the beauty of it all...
living vicariously through the story of love found; hearts captured and surrendered to another...
I pictured my Father, my Abba Father...
taking my hand when I find my someone and saying to me:
"I could not have parted with you, my Gina, to anyone less worthy."

It will be in that moment that I understand why nothing else ever worked out.
Why I was on Relationship Probation.
A time for healing, dealing, reform and supervision from a higher authority.
He was holding onto me, selfishly, like a good Daddy until
He knew I was ready to be loved...and to love in return.

~gina

You've Been Set Free, Stay that Way.

One of two things will happen when you set a prisoner free...
they will move past all that incarcerated them
or they will repeat offenses and chance returning to a life behind bars.

Why?
Why would someone repeat the same behavior that took away their freedom?

Could 24 hour surveillance,
rules,
demands,
fear,
and small confined spaces feel safer
than the freedom to explore, move about,
trust your own choices, decisions and create your own life?

What insecurities plague the soul enough to put a person back in
a position that restricts them from a life that's
peaceful...
happy...
safe...
Why would anyone return?

I have a quote on my wall in my classroom that reads,
"If you don't make a plan for your life someone else will,
and you may not like the plans they have for you."

My 3rd period class is all girls. And they are 100% girl.
They are boy crazy, romantics and Valentine's Day was more
anticipated than Christmas Break.
But unfortunately, Cupid can be a little stinker.
I've seen tears,
heartbreaks...
names that were written in hot pink all over their notebooks,
now scribbled out in a massacre of black sharpie.
It breaks my heart, too.

One day I talked to them in reference to that quote about
having a set agenda for their fabulous lives waiting to happen.
To not let some silly boy come along and play Rescue Ranger
to a lost little girl afraid to take a step without him telling her how
to step, and what shoes to wear while taking that step.
All the while preaching to myself as I spoke.
I don't know what training we get as young girls
that formulates the belief that distress equates to desirable...
Stupid fairy tales...
All we need is a poisonous apple, a wicked step mother,
and to be kidnapped and placed in the top of a tall tower with
nothing to do but brush our hair until it grows out of control and
then magically our prince will arrive...
coming over the hill on a white steed,
all buff and hunky and ask us to let down our hair.


Do we let others put us in a tall tower locked away from
the rest of the world?
Thinking this is our life, so we learn to live it there.
Locked up.
Sad and lonely,
but dreaming of our release,
rescue, escape from all that holds us back...


We let others control us and tell us who we are
and what we have to do in order to obtain their approval...
placing us in a "prison" to their demands,
behaviors and manipulation.
We let.
Stop letting.


According to the Bureau of Justice reports, approximately 650,000 state and federal prisoners reenter society each year. They are set free.
Given their walking papers.
An All-American Do-Over granted.
Yet about half of all former prisoners are returned for a new crime or parole violation within 3 years. 
The reasons they return are understandable.
Once accustomed to prison they are less likely to
have the skills to function independently.
They have to be taught.
They have relied on someone else to tell them
what to do,
when to do it,
and how to do it.
This becomes their care.
their safety...
And sad to say,
but how they feel loved.

Trusting your own decisions is not always easy.
We dream, but are we brave enough to
follow our dreams?
What keeps us from putting past failures in the past where they belong ...
and moving forward?
oh no...and add the effects of those who've known you best,
watched you fail,
make a mess
and talk a good talk,
and your chances of going back to "prison" multiply.
They don't even know what to do with you anymore...
They are so used to visiting with you behind bars.

What prisons have you escaped?
What walls, or should I say, electric fences are you hiding behind?
How many times will you be set free only to return again?
Why are you afraid of the life waiting for you?

Watching through the bars of your prison cell as the world passes you by
will supply you plenty of time to dream.
Not much else to do....
But as for me,
I'd like to live this life awake.
Alive.
Free.

~gina

Jonny Baby

I don't know what I'm searching for...
but I know I will find it.
And I will love it.
I will know it's what I was trying to find,
even though I didn't know what I was looking for.
I promise.


Speaking of searching, I am writing that book I told you I was going to write.
And I plan to share bits and pieces of it as I go.


It goes something like this...
People I Met While Searching for Myself


The purpose of my mission is clear.
The possible outcome is not.
I am already in love with it.
That's really all that matters.
I will share more about the details later, but for now...


Meet Jonny Baby.

He's bad. Real bad. And he wanted me to know it.
A former associate member of the Bandito Motorcycle Gang,
Jonny has slept in a jail cell dozens of nights,
sold drugs,
done drugs,
treated women poorly and carried anger in his heart in an effort to leave no room for anyone else.


How do I know all this? ...because I asked.


I stopped at his antique store to look for a particular photo prop and upon leaving I noticed the same devotional I've been reading sitting on his desk.
Are you reading that?
"Yes."
Me too. I've read several devotionals in the past but I'm really, really liking this one.
"I like it too. I've only been a believer for 4 years but I like the way this one speaks to me."


That's all it took for me to want to know more. I love a good "How I found God story".
Can I interview you?
Yes.
Can I take your picture?
Yes. But I've done some really bad things.
Okay. It's okay. Just don't tell me anything you don't want everyone to know...Because I'm writing a book and everyone is going to want to read it.


I ran to grab my camera and realized my notepad was not in my car.
I went back in and had to ask to borrow some paper and a pen...
Glad I did...
He hands me a notebook with a skull and crossbone on it...
"Told you I was bad."


His name is Jon Willey but his friends call him Jonny Baby.
Never married. Not that he didn't want to, just hadn't.
He believes in love. In fact his best example of a loving relationship is close to home...his own parents have been married for 62 years.
They still kiss each other goodnight and hold hands everyday. Sweet...
He loves his friends and family...and now he loves God.
In the middle of my questions he asked me if I was happy.
It took me by surprise a little.
I am the one asking questions here Jonny.
I answered him and then found myself struggling to hold back tears. What is going on here?
I walk in an antique store with one purpose and now I am finding my heart touched by a self proclaimed "bad boy".
Then he shows concern for me placing myself in possibly dangerous situations by interviewing complete strangers...
Did you feel safe because you saw the devotional on my desk?
No, it was more than that. I saw something in your eyes. I knew I was okay.
Me saying that to him blessed him and then he got teary eyed.
He went on to say how God removed anger from his heart.
He went to church with some friends, not with the intentions of finding God, but to go eat afterwards...
He doesn't have a burning bush experience...no mountain moving, earth shattering moment...just a realization that God is real and He took his anger away.
"It was gone. No more anger. I can't explain it. It just happened."


Simple enough. Make room in your heart for more God and you leave little room for anything else...Okay. Got it.


Lately I wonder if God hears me. I pray so hard for people that I love to give their hearts and lives to Him. It breaks my heart when they don't. I realized after 15 minutes of asking a complete stranger a few simple questions that God will get to people when He wants to. He has not forgotten my prayers. He is listening and loves them even more than I do. He will take care of people's hearts...all I have to do is love them. I can't save anyone. I can't even save myself.


If you want to meet Jonny Baby, he and his new motorcycle gang, The Wigglers, are serving free meals every Sunday evening from 6:30-7:30 at the Outreach Cafe in Brownfield, Texas.


He's sounds real bad, doesn't he?  Be afraid. And then give him a hug from me.

this Christmas...

Wake up to snow.
Not just any snow...but Narnia like billows of endless flakes for over 24 hours.
Hannah said she prayed it would snow.
prayer answered.
I prayed for God to permeate the walls of my house with laughter.
He answered that one too...
I am so blessed.
at peace.
I am beyond thankful.
I am amazed.
May you enjoy this day.
Don't just give presents...
be present.
Look around you.
and when things are not perfect...
appreciate the imperfections.
make new traditions.
there will never be another Christmas...
just like this one.
...wishing you laughter.
love,
gina