Monday, May 14, 2012

Pride, Prejudice & Probation


When girls watch love stories, chick flicks, boy meets girl cinema,
we hold out for the scene where everyone
finds true love...
we do.
Guilty.
We just want everyone to be happy...
In love.
We love love.
It's a girl thing.

Yesterday Paige introduced me to Pride & Prejudice.
I know...
You've probably all read or watched it by now and
I'm late to the party,
but actually the timing was perfect.
Just perfect.

I've been praying for the man that
will get the privilege to be a part of my life, and the life of my girls.
Yes, I said privilege.
I'm not just any girl.
And I don't have just any daughters.
I won't settle.
And they won't let me.

When I pray I try and picture God.
I like to imagine myself sitting beside Him.
He's not in a hurry.
I don't feel as if I'm wasting His precious time.
I can imagine Him shaking His head and smiling at some of the things I say.
I am severely honest when we talk.
I mean, seriously...
what's there to hide.
I talk about my relationships.
Those I've had, and those I imagine in my future.

In the movie, Donald Sutherland plays Mr. Bennett, the daddy to 5 daughters.
He is attentive, kind, and seemingly unfazed by all the estrogen,
drama and complexities of raising girls.

When Mr. Bennett hears of Elizabeth's desire to marry Mr. Darcy he first asks if this is truly what she wants.
Once she convinces him that she not only likes Mr. Darcy, but loves him,
tears come to her precious father's eyes and he says:

"I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, to anyone less worthy."

Wow.
And then at that moment, as I was soaking in the beauty of it all...
living vicariously through the story of love found; hearts captured and surrendered to another...
I pictured my Father, my Abba Father...
taking my hand when I find my someone and saying to me:
"I could not have parted with you, my Gina, to anyone less worthy."

It will be in that moment that I understand why nothing else ever worked out.
Why I was on Relationship Probation.
A time for healing, dealing, reform and supervision from a higher authority.
He was holding onto me, selfishly, like a good Daddy until
He knew I was ready to be loved...and to love in return.

~gina





Friday, May 4, 2012

You've Been Set Free, Stay that Way.






One of two things will happen when you set a prisoner free...
they will move past all that incarcerated them
or they will repeat offenses and chance returning to a life behind bars.

Why?
Why would someone repeat the same behavior that took away their freedom?

Could 24 hour surveillance,
rules,
demands,
fear,
and small confined spaces feel safer
than the freedom to explore, move about,
trust your own choices, decisions and create your own life?

What insecurities plague the soul enough to put a person back in
a position that restricts them from a life that's
peaceful...
happy...
safe...
Why would anyone return?

I have a quote on my wall in my classroom that reads,
"If you don't make a plan for your life someone else will,
and you may not like the plans they have for you."

My 3rd period class is all girls. And they are 100% girl.
They are boy crazy, romantics and Valentine's Day was more
anticipated than Christmas Break.
But unfortunately, Cupid can be a little stinker.
I've seen tears,
heartbreaks...
names that were written in hot pink all over their notebooks,
now scribbled out in a massacre of black sharpie.
It breaks my heart, too.

One day I talked to them in reference to that quote about
having a set agenda for their fabulous lives waiting to happen.
To not let some silly boy come along and play Rescue Ranger
to a lost little girl afraid to take a step without him telling her how
to step, and what shoes to wear while taking that step.
All the while preaching to myself as I spoke.
I don't know what training we get as young girls
that formulates the belief that distress equates to desirable...
Stupid fairy tales...
All we need is a poisonous apple, a wicked step mother,
and to be kidnapped and placed in the top of a tall tower with
nothing to do but brush our hair until it grows out of control and
then magically our prince will arrive...
coming over the hill on a white steed,
all buff and hunky and ask us to let down our hair.


Do we let others put us in a tall tower locked away from
the rest of the world?
Thinking this is our life, so we learn to live it there.
Locked up.
Sad and lonely,
but dreaming of our release,
rescue, escape from all that holds us back...


We let others control us and tell us who we are
and what we have to do in order to obtain their approval...
placing us in a "prison" to their demands,
behaviors and manipulation.
We let.
Stop letting.


According to the Bureau of Justice reports, approximately 650,000 state and federal prisoners reenter society each year. They are set free.
Given their walking papers.
An All-American Do-Over granted.
Yet about half of all former prisoners are returned for a new crime or parole violation within 3 years. 
The reasons they return are understandable.
Once accustomed to prison they are less likely to
have the skills to function independently.
They have to be taught.
They have relied on someone else to tell them
what to do,
when to do it,
and how to do it.
This becomes their care.
their safety...
And sad to say,
but how they feel loved.

Trusting your own decisions is not always easy.
We dream, but are we brave enough to
follow our dreams?
What keeps us from putting past failures in the past where they belong ...
and moving forward?
oh no...and add the effects of those who've known you best,
watched you fail,
make a mess
and talk a good talk,
and your chances of going back to "prison" multiply.
They don't even know what to do with you anymore...
They are so used to visiting with you behind bars.

What prisons have you escaped?
What walls, or should I say, electric fences are you hiding behind?
How many times will you be set free only to return again?
Why are you afraid of the life waiting for you?

Watching through the bars of your prison cell as the world passes you by
will supply you plenty of time to dream.
Not much else to do....
But as for me,
I'd like to live this life awake.
Alive.
Free.

~gina